I am embarrassed to admit that I spent not weeks, not months, but YEARS reading articles, pinning quotes, sharing links, following Instagram feeds, and reading books in an effort to crack the code of wellness as it applied to my life. I had what I have now heard referred to as “analysis paralysis.” I could tell you the latest research on paleo diets and their effect on reducing thyroid anitbodies, but do you think I actually applied any of this knowledge in practice? Absof*ckinglutely NOT… but my pinterest page, Chrome bookmarks, and followed accounts on Instagram would suggest otherwise.
My friends and family saw me as a successful woman, someone who had it together. I had a graduate degree, a great job, a house, a dog, a husband… but under the façade I was an anxious mess, I cried every day, I was unhappy in my relationships, I was coping unsuccessfully with an autoimmune disease, and I had been struggling with an eating disorder for over a decade.
I reached a point where I felt like a complete fraud. I spouted advice and unfounded insight to friends about what was helping me work through my divorce and cope with the physical, emotional, and mental effects of Hashimoto’s thyroiditis. Meanwhile, I was on my third therapist, it took me 5 trial runs of being gluten free before it stuck, I continued to have binging and purging episodes when I experienced heightened stress, and I was spending hundreds of dollars on brain training and meditation apps which sat unused while I mindlessly watched hours of Netflix and HBOGO.
I felt like I walked around with a mask on, and sometimes felt disconnected with my own words. It was a very lonely state to be in because the one person I needed most, ME, didn’t have my back.
My favorite expression used to be “starting tomorrow, I will” or the even more ambiguous “I’ll start doing X on Monday or the 1st day of next month.” This goes on for days, then months, then years…. And I end up making no progress other than filling my brain with research statistics, inspirational quotes, and bottomless mimosa brunch conversation material with no foundation in reality.
Finally, I stumbled upon a blog one day, and it felt as if the writer was inside my head pulling out all the buried thoughts and emotions, and holding them up to a mirror I was both mesmerized and horrified by.
It has always fascinated me how the words of another, whether it be prose, poetry, or lyrics in a song, suddenly give clarity to your buried emotions that you felt unable or unwilling to express. The most supportive, inspirational kick in the a$s that I needed to finally act on my intentions was the realization that I wasn’t alone. It was both comforting in the sense that I no longer felt isolated in my struggle and action provoking because although everyone’s life experience is unique, I realized that no issue I had, perceived or tangible, was so “special,” that I couldn’t wake up tomorrow and change my life.
You can change your life regardless of any circumstance, no matter how dire it may seem.
This was the fire I so desperately needed for so long, and oddly enough that I didn’t realize was within me the entire time. This discovery birthed an idea that I have not been able to shake for almost a year, an idea that I am finally bringing to fruition.
When I decided to write this blog, I wanted to determine a specific focus. I began writing about my issues with perfectionism, external validation, and people pleasing. Then I would spend a day writing about my struggle with an eating disorder, which naturally tied in with those emotional issues. Then I would start feeling a pull to share the lessons learned from coping with autoimmune disease. I decided to listen to my intuition, something I try to embrace and follow more each day, and something amazing happened. As the words began to flow out of me, suddenly everything suddenly became clear.
My path to physical and emotional health… the struggles, the discoveries, and the victories in each of these areas… were all woven together. For one to be successfully addressed, they ALL must be. It is with this harmony in mind that I share my experiences and what has helped guide me along the path to healing.
I want to shed some light on the most dark, scary and seemingly hopeless struggles that I am now certain many of us go through. Starting this blog is grounded in the hope that at least one person, who is facing or has at any point faced similar struggles, no longer feels alone. I hope anyone reading this can take some bit of insight away that inspires them to change their life physically, mentally, and emotionally.
I spent years playing the role of the ultimate victim, making excuse after excuse for why my situation was terrible and why I couldn’t get my head above water. I decided it was time to reclaim my position and call my own shots. I have faced my destructive coping mechanisms and have plans in place which are executed daily to recover from the damage done to my finances, my physical health, and my self-worth.
My journey has only just begun, so my writing is indicative of a work in progress. I embrace the imperfection as I aspire to grow every day as an individual. However, I do believe I have passed the point I once thought was impossible, and that is the one in which I take responsibility for my life and put one foot in front of the other. I stick to my convictions, of course with a few fumbles along the way, but I regain my footing and keep moving. I want every person who happens to read this to know that it is 100% possible to change your life and to work towards happiness, self-love, and inner peace.