It’s been a minute since I’ve written. A LOT has changed. I got a new job, packed up my life, and moved to New York City (Brooklyn to be exact). This was a giant leap for me and it was not one that came without a few meltdowns. I have family in the area, but I honestly don’t know more than a handful of people. I will be living on a strict budget. I sold half of my belongings since my new apartment is a fraction of the size of the last place I lived. It’s been a pretty scary period of time, but it’s also been incredibly exciting.
My leap of faith gave me pause to consider my goals and, more importantly, my perspective for the new year. Did I want to make resolutions or avoid that tradition altogether?
My resolutions in the past were trivial and short-lived. Why? Because I would employ the standard deprivation based resolutions that are oh-so-popular.
Let’s explore some of my favorites over the years that lasted maybe 5-10 days on average.
I (perfectionist, people pleasing, anxiety-ridden Paige) will:
-get rid of at least half my wardrobe
-never have a drop of alcohol again
-give up all sugar
-lose (insert meaningless number that made me feel
challenged but didn’t reveal my disordered eating tendencies) pounds
I think you get the idea, and unfortunately I am sure many of you reading this can relate. I wish I could reach through the screen and give you a much-needed hug. Not the awkward I know you but we were never close so I’ll tap your shoulder with as little force as possible while making sure to keep my cheek a safe distance from your face type of embrace. A REAL hug. A hug you melt into like a warm blanket. A hug that allows you to forget, if only for a moment, the weight you have piled upon your own shoulders and balance precariously there.
My first thought was I want to write A LOT more. Then I had two brief but powerful thoughts pop into my head when I pondered what to focus upon in 2019. HAVE FAITH & BE BRAVE. I let them marinate for a bit before grabbing one of my journals from the bedside pile of at least 8 (still figuring out where to fit my collection of writing paraphernalia in an NYC-sized living space). I let the words flow from me as I built upon what faith and bravery mean to me at this exciting, scary, uncertain, exhilarating time in my life.
By having faith in myself, in my work, and in the direction my life is going I am able to be brave. I am able to share my story, worts and all, without losing sleep over how I may be judged. By being brave and trusting in my instincts, I can have faith that I am living my purpose. I can continue to connect with people going through similar struggles on their path to healing.
If I experience rejection, I’ll know a certain situation or a particular person were not meant for me. If I get scared, I’ll know that what scares me needs to be faced. If I have a flare up because of my autoimmune disease, I’ll know that I need time to rest and recover. If I experience anxiety, I’ll take a moment to breathe. I won’t panic. I won’t create drama. I will just have faith and continue to be brave. These two resolutions are beautifully intertwined, one not able to be embraced without the other.
I hope anyone reading this takes the opportunity to reconsider your resolutions if they are depriving, negative, or seemingly impossible in nature. You’re worth so much more.
“Each year's regret are envelopes in which messages of hope are found for the new year.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson